


loving, loving, and loving

by rogueseas



Series: what's love other than constantly trying? [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Hanahaki Disease, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Kinda, M/M, Pining, Slice of Life, Yamaguchi Tadashi is a Good Friend, im sorry, it hurt writing this, maybe i'll elaborate on it someday, yamayachi if you squint - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:27:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22131784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rogueseas/pseuds/rogueseas
Summary: tadashi convinces kei to get the flowers removed.or,day two: hanahaki disease
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi
Series: what's love other than constantly trying? [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1593064
Comments: 5
Kudos: 60





	loving, loving, and loving

**Author's Note:**

> this isn't a continuation!
> 
> also, in this hanahaki au, the hosts don't immediately undergo operation. they make the flowers wilt through medicine (wow, modern) and then operate on it under the rationale that the way in which we stop loving someone (even unrequited) must also be gradual like naturally falling out of love. in some cases (aka kei's) and it's not always the case, memories are repressed in the attempt to forget, even basic ones--because people attach affection to memories and so, it ends up having to go.
> 
> enjoy!

people would argue that tadashi may be one of the nicest people they’ll ever have to be acquainted with—given and deserved, maybe, because his bestfriend is a stark contrast, tsukishima kei. next to him, hinata would joke, anyone would be a saint.

but tadashi is not kind, nor is he timid—at least not where it matters. before ennoshita graduated, he’d told tadashi the reason he was fit to be captain was because he was flexible enough to listen and adjust to everyone, but strict and strong enough to keep each and every one of the team together.

so no, tadashi is neither timid nor afraid to step forward—he’s beyond that, he’s more than that, and he’s proven himself countless of times. kei knows this more than everyone does, because they’ve been together from the start.

—which he supposes is why kei is quiet now. yachi is clutching his arm, stopping him from moving any closer to kei and it should feel almost eerily like that night when he’d just shouted at kei during the training camp in tokyo. but now is different, now, tadashi’s his captain and kei is wiser and better and he _should_ know better.

instead, there’s a smother of sunflower petals scattered around him as he sits (almost helplessly) on the floor of the volleyball courts—him and tadashi and yachi. and he’d said _it isn’t getting any worse_ , he said _it’s going alright,_ he said a lot of things. tadashi and yachi aren’t blind however, sunflower petals do not douse themselves in red ink.

“did you think we were just going to stand by and watch you die?”

poison tastes bitter on his mouth and he wonders quietly how kei makes it look so easy. beside him, yachi gasps a little, grip loosening, as though she had never entertained the idea that kei might die from loving someone so far out of reach. across him, kei stays quiet. he takes advantage of this, approaching kei and kneeling in front of him.

“you need to live,” he says, and this is where he and kei differ. the poison melts on his tongue and he feels tears start to brim on his eyes. he repeats, “you need to live,” more quietly—like a secret, or a prayer. he repeats it, hoping kei would hear him out.

kuroo tetsurou is the spontaneity to kei’s monotony. when kuroo entered kei’s life, tadashi wasn’t expecting him to stay. and frankly enough, kei probably didn’t expect the older to, either.

and yet, more than two years later, most of what kei knows and his strengths now could be attributed to kuroo’s mentoring, and kuroo fits so seamlessly in kei’s life (and vice versa) to the extent that tadashi and akiteru themselves know kuroo well enough to associate him as friends themselves and kuroo had made it clear that if he ever needed to live in tokyo for university, he, bokuto, and akaashi were open to kei staying with them.

when it comes to kuroo, kei becomes relatively compliant, going with the flow even when it’s unpredictable and surprises him. tadashi thinks the fact that kei became so gradually open to learning and growing helped bolster kuroo’s tendency to bring kei to even greater heights—in the end, kuroo tetsurou showed kei the world. and amidst it all, his bestfriend slowly learns to love parts of the world, one step at a time—volleyball, museums, new bands, more people, amusement parks, road trips—and ends up loving the man who taught him to, as well.

_“i don’t want to stop loving him.” it’s funny how everyone seems to think love is a trap to escape from._

the doctor prescribes kei a box of thirty anti-inflammatory pills. _they’re supposed to make the flowers inside you wither, up until it detaches from your lungs, up until they’re but a speck of the past,_ the doctor says. _it’ll only take thirty days, then you’ll undergo the operation and you’ll be as good as new!_

almost as though kei wanted this, as if he’d wanted to erase parts of him that loved kuroo just for the sake of saying he’s alive. almost as though he would owe the world a favor if it granted him the privilege to stop loving kuroo tetsurou even when he didn’t want to.

what was so wrong with loving someone without asking for anything in return?

( _you want him. you want him more than anything in this world, you liar. you want nothing but him and it’s killing you._ )

eleven days after, kei visits tokyo, kuroo’s apartment, and realizes he’s stopped coughing out sunflowers. there's an unsteady hum in the back of his head telling him, perhaps he shouldn’t be here—that somehow, it’s unfamiliar, uncomfortable terrain, even when he’s been visiting this place for the past year— _why are you so far from home, kei?_

when he leaves for miyagi, he looks at kuroo’s back as the older walks away and wishes he would turn back just once—kei feels a looming sense of dread overcome him as he observes kuroo tetsurou, like he’s about to lose everything. and he would suppose he is, _kei doesn’t want to stop loving him_ , except he didn’t really know how much it cost to stop loving someone so close.

_i don’t want to stop loving him i don’t want to stop loving him i don’t want to stop loving him i don’t want to stop loving him i don’t want to stop loving him i don’t want to stop loving him i don’t want to stop loving him i don’t want to stop loving him i don’t want to stop loving him i don’t want to stop loving him i don’t want to stop loving him i don’t want to stop loving him i don’t want to stop loving him i don’t want to stop loving him i don’t want to stop loving him i don’t want to stop lo_

the steady hum in his head that came with thoughts of kuroo quiets down to silence

he would skip certain tracks on his playlists—unfamiliar, uncertain

he would trail off in conversation, forgetting what he was talking about

he would laugh over a joke he remembers in his head and becomes confused where he heard it from

he barely realizes it, but everyone around him notices. the next time kei sees kuroo, he barely feels anything—doesn’t remember how he usually felt around him, finds his memories are hazy when people question it— _kei, are you alright?—_ but remains unbothered because he doesn’t visibly feel things go out of place or rearrange itself in his head.

tadashi notices how kei would reach out towards his phone, blankly looking at the empty screen for a few seconds and putting it away, and then again, and again.

_“kei, what are you waiting for?”_

_he doesn’t look up, only continues to look at his phone—as if waiting for something._

_“i don’t know, either.”_ —up until he stopped.

tadashi thinks maybe it’s because kei’s been in love with kuroo tetsurou for so long that it’s hard for his body to teach itself that it’s different now, it’s hard for kei to not reach out to kuroo when all he’s ever known was to do just that.

now, he’s learning how to, and tadashi can only watch as the colors slowly slip away from kei.

tadashi realizes the alteration of memories may be permanent when kei finds himself confused at the prospect of kuroo tetsurou visiting him—almost as though it was impossible to separate kei’s affection from memories of kuroo from the very start that his head just repressed them all.

tsukishima kei lives. they let the flowers wither away and removes traces of it from his lungs. tsukishima kei lives.

quietly, sometimes, kei would ask himself what it was supposed to mean to actually live.

the memories do come back gradually, over the years—but kei had let the relationship die out in the first few years after his operation, unable to imagine what it was like before the operation. he remembers them like a very distant memory, from a life unattached to the one he had now. kei thinks it cruel in some ways, sometimes—for the way he felt horribly dull as he thought of being around someone who seemed to have made him so happy in the past.

(kei meets him again at twenty-one, three whole years after the operation. his memories are there but some days, they remain blurry, or distant—as if they weren’t his. in a way, he isn’t the same kei as then—which is maybe why.

kuroo smiles and kei almost forgets how to hold his coffee (and almost spills coffee all over himself) or breathe, for that matter.

kuroo laughs and kei wonders why he feels the beginnings of happiness bubble up in his chest.

“i’m in love with you again.” _and just as oblivious as i was the last time_. kei laughs, like he’s in disbelief. he looks up to glance at his reflection from the mirror. his eyes are sunken from lack of sleep, he looks thinner, older, but none the wiser, his bathroom was bland, all gray and white, just as much as his whole apartment was.  
  
he laughs again, sinks to his knees and marvels at the contrast of yellow flowers to his gray walls. it feels like he’s eighteen all over again.)

**Author's Note:**

> i wanted to explore parts of the hanahaki au wherein the disease is portrayed as something cruel because some people just want to be able to love someone even without expecting anything in return and yet they still can't have that. but it also explores the possibility of greed--that no matter how much you say you don't need to be with them, you still do.
> 
> the prompt and plot for this one is actually heavily influenced by my prompt from january about a hanahaki krtsk au i never got to elaborate on, so i tried incorporating some of the outline in here. i'm very tired, though, that's why it started getting a little short in the end. i also intend to go back to this and perhaps work more on it in the future, i don't know. let's see! 
> 
> anyway, the last portions were more of future-oriented that don't have much imagery yet, like the previous work. i just want to leave specks of hope, i guess. HAHAHAHA. and to show it might be explored more in the future.
> 
> i hope you liked it! let me know your thoughts.
> 
> i'm at @[feralsougo](https://twitter.com/feralsougo) on twt!
> 
> for [more](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rogueseas/works?fandom_id=758208) haikyuu/krtsk fics!
> 
> 11/7/19.


End file.
